The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Randomize
