420 ftw
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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