cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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