u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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