yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
