Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
