twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
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I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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