Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
