I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
