my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
