forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
