When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
