he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
