He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We have so much sex to catch up on
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
