Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
