cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
