Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
