i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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