I just pynch a tree in the face
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
