I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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