listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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