and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
