Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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