i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You ruined the universe
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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