roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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