He is an equal opportunity slut.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dicks are not precious.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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