My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
