Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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