The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
