Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
