I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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