I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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