Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
