I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
