I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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