we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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