If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
