she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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