I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
