The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
