Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
