omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
