i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
