just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She told me I should be a condom model.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
