he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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