I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
