I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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