I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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