i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
