Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
