There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
