I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
