I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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