And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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