So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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