I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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