...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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