if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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