two words: eviction party
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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