i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
