I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
