community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Houston, we have a squirter
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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