theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
