there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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